Written by Rebekah Scroggy, RN, BSN, IBCLC
Picture this.
You're at your baby shower, glowing with excitement about meeting your baby. Someone asks about your birth plan, and you happily share every detail. You'll head to the hospital when your water breaks with your partner and doula by your side. Labor will go smoothly. You'll push a few times, reach down, and place your baby on your chest.
Then you excitedly tell them about your feeding plans. You're going to exclusively breastfeed. You've spent hours researching the best breast pump, the perfect glass bottles, and everything else your baby might need.
Fast forward to birth.
Very little went according to plan. Maybe labor ended in an unexpected cesarean birth. Maybe interventions became necessary. Maybe your baby needed extra support after delivery. Whatever happened, it wasn't the experience you had imagined.
Everyone keeps saying, "At least you and the baby are healthy."
And while that's absolutely true, those words don't erase the grief you may feel over losing the birth experience you had hoped for. Gratitude and grief can exist at the same time.
Then comes feeding. Surely this part will go better.
You're finally settled into your postpartum room, soaking in those first moments together as a new family. A knock comes at the door. A lactation consultant walks in and asks, "Has the baby latched yet?"
Suddenly, a whole new layer of pressure lands on your shoulders.
Your baby is sleepy. Latching isn't going well. The consultant helps position your baby and gets them latched, but it pinches. You're told the latch looks great and that your nipples just need to "get used to it."
A week later, your baby's weight gain isn't where it should be. Your pediatrician recommends supplementing with formula while you work on feeding.
All you can think is: "This is not what I wanted."
When birth or feeding doesn't go as expected, it can leave parents grieving the experience they envisioned while simultaneously trying to care for a newborn. Those feelings are real, valid, and deserve space.
While not everyone who experiences an unexpected birth or feeding journey will develop postpartum depression or anxiety, difficult birth and postpartum experiences can increase the risk. That's why preparing for the unexpected and knowing where to turn for support, can make such a difference.
There isn't a manual for navigating postpartum when everything changes. But here is what I tell my clients.
BEFORE BIRTH: PREPARE FOR THE UNEXPECTED
Have honest conversations.
Talk with your partner about what support might look like if labor takes an unexpected turn. Discuss who will ask questions, advocate for your wishes, and help you process afterward.
I’ll never forget hearing the story of Kayleigh Summers and how she had an unexpectedly traumatic birthing experience that resulted in a hysterectomy and time spent in the ICU. Her openness about navigating birth trauma and how she is still navigating the healing process years
I'll never forget hearing Kayleigh Summers share her story of an unexpectedly traumatic birth that resulted in a hysterectomy and time spent in the ICU. Her openness about navigating birth trauma, and how she continues to heal years later, is a great reminder that even when birth doesn't go according to plan, healing is possible.
Build your support team before you need them.
This is a crucial step that I tell all of my families. Find perinatal mental health therapist and an IBCLC before your baby arrives. Save their contact information in your phone and make sure your partner knows who they are, too. If they offer prenatal appointments, take them up on it!
When you're exhausted, healing, and navigating postpartum hormones, it's much easier to reach out when you already know who to call.
IF YOU'RE IN THE THICK OF IT
If you're struggling to process everything that happened, know that you don't have to carry it alone.
Talk it out.
One of the most helpful things you can do is work with a therapist who specializes in perinatal or postpartum mental health. Talking through your experience can help you process the emotions that often get pushed aside during those early weeks. If you aren’t sure who to reach out to, local mom groups can be a great resource to help you find a perinatal mental health therapist that is highly recommended. You can also reach out to your insurance company to see if they have a list of practitioners within network and covered by insurance.
Here are a few other reminders I often share with families:
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Asking for help isn't a sign of failure. Asking for help is a sign that you're human.
Many people genuinely want to support you but simply don't know what would be helpful. Be specific. Instead of saying, "We're okay," try saying:
"Thank you so much for offering. Would you be able to bring dinner on Saturday? We don't have any food allergies."
Simple, direct requests make it easier for people to show up for you. If you are having a hard time with giving direct requests, try to have your partner or a trusted love one to be the point person.
Focus on rest and recovery.
Rest. Recover.
Going through the unexpected can be traumatic and nourishing your body with nutritious foods while prioritizing rest can support your recovery after a difficult birth. Take this time to snuggle up with your baby on the couch or in bed while watching your favorite trashy TV show. Drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. Eat whole foods, add more protein to your diet, and include iron-rich foods such as lean meats, beans, lentils, spinach, and fortified cereals.
We all know how excited family and friends can be about a new baby, and they may want to stop by every day to visit. Focusing on rest and recovery means protecting your rest. If people want to come over, let them help you stay in bed. Have them fold a load of laundry, empty the dishwasher, or bring a meal. It can be hard to let go, but your job is to rest, recover, and snuggle that baby.
Give yourself permission to grieve.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel disappointed.
It's okay to love your baby deeply while also mourning the birth or feeding journey you hoped for. Those feelings can exist together.
If talking feels too difficult, try writing. Journaling can be a powerful way to process your thoughts and make sense of your experience. It doesn't have to flow like a well-written novel. It doesn't even have to be full sentences. It can simply be words, thoughts, or feelings. Think of it as a brain dump onto the page. It doesn't have to be pretty, it just has to help get those thoughts out of your head and somewhere you can begin to process them.
YOUR STORY ISN'T OVER
An unexpected birth or a difficult breastfeeding journey does not define you as a parent. Sometimes healing comes from processing what happened. Sometimes it comes from finding the right support. Often, it comes from giving yourself permission to let go of the expectation that everything had to be perfect.
Your birth story matters. Your feeding journey matters. And most importantly, you matter.
If things didn't go according to plan, know this: you are not alone, and you don't have to navigate this chapter by yourself.
